


Some Assembly Required

by ExplodedPen, TheLibranIniquity



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Gen, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-02
Updated: 2007-08-02
Packaged: 2017-11-05 12:09:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/406250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExplodedPen/pseuds/ExplodedPen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLibranIniquity/pseuds/TheLibranIniquity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trip is sent a new gadget from a Starfleet colleague back on Earth. Oh, if only things were that simple...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some Assembly Required

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome, dear readers, to a story based not on any form of idea or plot, or indeed any thoughts other than, "It's your turn to write something!"... "No, it's yours!"
> 
> Still, concensus was... eventually reached, and it was a fun few hours writing for the both of us! Enjoy!

Malcolm squinted at the object in front of him doubtfully. "Its not very big, Commander. Are you sure?"

Trip raised his eyebrows. "What's there to be sure of - or not?" he asked. "This thing's been vetted by two generations of Starfleet engineers. Unless you're sayin' we can't be trusted for this sort of thing..."

"I'm saying nothing of the sort!" Malcolm scowled at him. "It just looks...well..."

"Yeah." Trip nodded. "I get the same feelin'." He cocked his head and stared at the small device for a few moments before continuing. "Did come with an instruction manual, though."

Malcolm stared at the device. "I had noticed. Perhaps checking that would be the most prudent course of action at this point."

"Who taught you English at grade school, the Vulcans?" Trip muttered. Ignoring Malcolm's glare - probably more to do with the reference to grade school instead of whatever the English called it - he reached inside the Starfleet issue box, and pulled out a PADD. He switched it on, took a quick look at the information on the screen and passed it over to Malcolm.

Malcolm's eyes widened slightly as he scrolled down the information on the PADD, eventually pausing to gaze at the device again before looking back at the PADD. "Bloody hell..."

Trip sighed, tossing the PADD back in the box. "I guess it was too much to expect they'd send the right information out with the product. Still, ya never know... maybe instructions on how to create a waterfall in an artificial gravity environment will actually come in useful at some point..."

He trailed off at the look on Malcolm's face. "Then again, maybe not."

"Bloody idiots probably couldn't tell their arse from their elbow without some sort of diagram," Malcolm muttered, casting the box a dark look. "Any idea what to do now? Aside from deleting that completely pointless manual."

Trip considered this. "Well, all I got from the journals, and Pete back in San Francisco, was that this is supposed to be pretty easy to operate. Be pretty cool if we can get it installed okay, as well."

"Easy to operate. Right." Malcolm bent down and poked it with his finger. "Although that could mean easy to operate if you're the man who made the damn thing." He grabbed hold of it and held it in front of him critically.

Trip grinned. "On the bright side, at least we're not goin' to take out the whole of F-deck when we switch it on. What?" he asked, catching Malcolm's incredulous stare. "You gotta admit, that was pretty embarassin', an' no, it's not goin' to happen this time."

Malcolm shook his head muttering something under his breath as he peered intently at the device in his hand. "Hey, this looks like a possible 'on' switch."

"Hey, wait!" Trip batted the wandering finger away. He took a closer look himself. "Okay, you can push the button," he concluded, only a little sheepishly.

Malcolm rolled his eyes and gently pressed the button. For a moment nothing seemed to happen, then without warning it started to emit a high pitched, squealing noise. They stared at it in alarm.

"Is it meant to do that?" Malcolm asked worriedly.

"How would I know?" Trip demanded. "I was lookin' forward to a nice, careful, considered readin' of the manual before even takin' a look at the thing!" He winced as pressure began to build up in his eardrums. "Push the button again, that should turn it off."

Malcolm nodded pressing the button again. Nothing happened. He tried again. Same result, sharing a frantic look with Trip he started turning the device over and over in his hands. "I can't see any other buttons!"

Trip took the device from Malcolm and started feeling along all the sides of the device. Before he got very far, the comm at the far end of the armoury chirped. "Archer to Commander Tucker."

"Get that for me, would you?" Trip asked, motioning with the device. After a second's hesitation, Malcolm crossed the room and thumbed the panel. "Reed here, Captain."

"Malcolm? Is Trip with you?"

"Yessir, he's...having a slight bit of trouble with that new device."

There was a pause on the other end. "We're not going to have a repeat of the incident on F-deck are we?"

Even from this side of the armoury, Trip could see Malcolm's eyes narrow. "No, sir."

"Good." Archer sounded far too relieved for his own good. "I - what on Earth is that sound?"

"Minor... technical hitch, Captain," Malcolm replied smoothly. "I'm sure the good commander and I will have it worked out in no time. Right, Trip?"

"Yeah, absolutely," said Trip injecting as much cheerful optimism into his voice as he could muster.

"Right." Archer didn't sound very convinced.

"Was there something you wanted, Captain?" Malcolm asked quickly.

"Just wanted to see how you were getting on with Commander Dowling's delivery," Archer replied, much more cheerful now. "I'll leave you two to it for now, though."

"Of course, Captain." Malcolm was nothing if not courteous to a senior officer.

The comm cut off.

"Trip, if you don't shut that bloody racket off in the next fifteens seconds, I will personally shove you into a torpedo tube and press 'fire'."

Well, certain senior officers, at least.

"I don't see you offering any suggestions," Trip snapped back. "I've no idea what you've done to this thing."

"Me?" Malcolm exploded in disbelief. "I just pressed a button - which you agreed to!"

"Still your idea," Trip muttered. He started feeling around the device again. "Me and Peter Dowlin' are gonna have some words next time Enterprise is back in the Sol System," he continued, mostly to himself.

It was getting harder to concentrate against the backdrop of the high-pitched noise, and after a few more seconds of fruitless prodding, Trip went over to Malcolm and gave him the device. "Here. Your turn."

Malcolm glared at him, then started furiously stabbing at the main button. "Stupid thing must be broken. I don't know what you expect me to do with it," he paused a moment then smacked the device against one of the tables. The beeping stopped abruptly, Malcolm gave a sigh of relief and shot Trip a smug look.

Trip rolled his eyes. "If it wasn't broken before it probably is now." He paused, frowning at the look of growing apprehension on Malcolm's face. "What? What is it?"

"It's, ah, started vibrating."

The engineer in Trip won out over the cussing fifth-grader. "Really? Gimme that." Huh. It really was vibrating. Not like Enterprise's engine, but more like the mechanised toothbrushes his sister-in-law made her kids use. "Kinda cool," he mused, passing the device from one hand to the other.

Malcolm raised an eyebrow. "And yet still completely pointless if we can't figure out why."

"Maybe some of the wiring's come loose inside it - I don't think it was designed for people to smack it against tables," Trip glared at Malcolm pointedly.

"Or for people to toss around like tennis balls," Malcolm returned equally pointedly.

Trip got the point, and stopped moving the device around. "Okay, so we know a couple of things."

Malcolm's eyebrows started to climb up his forehead. "Oh really? Do fill me in."

"It beeps if you push this button, and it vibrates if you hit it hard enough against a table," Trip gave Malcolm his most winning smile.

It seemed to have lost some of its effect somewhere along the line, though. "I suppose that would be the layman's description of things," Malcolm replied coolly.

Trip stared at him. "Look, you can't start blamin' me because Pete's people screwed up somewhere along the line, okay? An' I swear that all he told me in the communications was that this -" holding the device up, "- would make life on a starship 'that little bit easier'," he quoted.

Malcolm stared at the device considering it a moment. "Easier for whom? What could anyone possible want with something that just beeps and vibrates-" He paused and his face reddened as he mentally reviewed what he'd just said.

"Let's... not go there," Trip advised. "Besides, it's much too close to a spherical shape for -"

"Commander," Malcolm cut him off with a warning growl.

"Right. Clean thoughts," Trip grinned. "Maybe it's some kind of alarm clock."

"Nah, no clock on it or anything that suggests you can set a time on it," said Malcolm staring at the device in Trip's hands. "Maybe if we hit against the table again it'll stop vibrating."

Trip blinked. "Goin' on previous experience, if we do that, it could blow up or somethin'."

"Is that your... professional opinion?"

"Yeah..." Trip drawled. "An' I'm stickin' to it."

"Fair enough," Malcolm acquiesced. "You do have a point, I suppose."

There was a long silence broken only by the quiet hum of vibration as both men considered the device. Malcolm suddenly brightened. "Maybe we should call the manufacturers, or your friend Pete, someone has to know what to do with this thing."

"You're a genius," Trip exclaimed. He gave Malcolm the device, and bounded over to the comm panel. "Just gotta clear it with the cap'n."

Malcolm nodded. "Just don't make it sound like we're a couple of first year trainees who can't tell our arses from our elbows," he offered, smirking slightly.

Trip pulled a face and tapped the comm. "Tucker to Archer."

A mere second later Archer's worried voice sounded out across the room. "What is it Trip? Has something gone wrong with the device?"

"I... not exactly, Cap'n." Trip used the brightest voice he could muster. "We just thought we could use a second opinion on what we're doin', an' we were wonderin' if we could make a call to Starfleet from the armoury."

There was a pause.

"I'll have Hoshi patch the communication through to one of the terminals," Archer informed them. "Shouldn't take more than a minute or two."

"Thanks, Cap'n," Trip grinned at Malcolm. He cut the communication and waited expectantly staring at the nearest terminal.

About thirty seconds later the terminal closest to Malcolm came on. Trying not to smirk at the look on Trip's face, he stepped aside to allow the commander access to the screen.

It was another half minute or so until the Starfleet logo gave way to a woman with lieutenant's pips and a thin smile. "Yes?"

Trip beamed. "Afternoon, Lieutenant," he began. "Could you put me through to Commander Dowlin', please?"

The Lieutenant let out a long suffering sigh. "One moment please, Commander." She tapped something on the computer beside her. "Do you know Commander," she paused, "Dowlin's" first name at all? It makes it easier to find the right person."

"Peter," Trip replied, his beaming grin faltering slightly. "Peter Dowlin'."

"Right..." The lieutenant hit a few more buttons. "He's in his office at the moment," she informed Trip, her voice not quite sarcastic but almost there. "Shall I put you through?"

"Yes, please," Trip grinned.

"You're welcome, by the way," the lieutenant added, right before she was replaced by a fresh Starfleet background.

"Wasn't she a little ray of sunshine," Malcolm muttered darkly.

The background was suddenly replaced by a very cheerful looking man beaming across the monitor at them.

"Trip!" he exclaimed. "How're you doing, man?" Trip grinned, but before he could say anything, the man continued. "More to the point, how are you getting on with that package I sent you?"

"See, Pete, that's kinda the thing." Trip was close to grimacing. "Someone under ya must have screwed up somewhere... we didn't exactly get the right manual with this thing."

Pete frowned. "You didn't get the right manual? You sure?"

"Yep, unless you intended for us to create a waterfall in an artificial gravity environment," Trip replied, grinning.

Pete blinked a few times. "No, that was for Ethan's first officer on the Daytona... can't imagine how the hell that one happened!" he said, grinning.

"Any chance you could let us know how the device you sent us works?" Trip asked.

"All we've been able to do is make it beep and vibrate," Malcolm added from over Trip's shoulder.

"I know that voice..." Pete mused. "Reed, right?"

"Um... yes... Sir," Malcolm replied, and Trip grinned at him briefly before turning back to the screen.

"Beep and vibrate, Pete. Give us a few pointers, here?"

"It's vibrating?" Pete frowned. "How did you manage to make it vibrate?"

"Lieutenant Reed here whacked it against a table," Trip replied; he and Pete winced at the exact same time.

"Armoury personnel," Pete grinned. "If it's not a weapon they treat it like one, anyway!"

Malcolm's mouth hung open, and Trip motioned to him to keep quiet. "Yeah..." he said dismissively. "Still... got the actual manual you could send us?"

"Sure thing, gotta have it round here somewhere," Pete leaned across to something offscreen. "Yep, got the file right here, I'll send it along to you now," came his muffled voice.

"Great, Pete, thanks!"

A few seconds later Pete appeared back onscreen, several PADDs in his hands. "Should I route it to Enterprise, or straight to your terminal?" he asked.

"Straight here, if ya could," Trip smiled, after glancing at Malcolm first, who shrugged and nodded in response.

"Will do," Pete piled up the PADDs beside him. "Just a second..."

Trip waited patiently for the tinny beep on Pete's end, which meant the data was being sent through subspace. Instead, a second later...

"Aaaaa...CHOO!"

Pete rocked forward violently, scattering the pile of PADDs with a bent elbow, knocking most of them onto the floor. He sat back up straight and stared somewhere on the floor behind his desk. "Oh boy..."

Trip stared at him open mouthed. "Pete, what have you done?"

The commander at least had the grace to blush. "I, uh..."

"Pete..." Trip warned.

"Wait just a second, let me see if I can find..."Pete disappeared offscreen again and they could hear him shifting things around in the background.

"This isn't going too well," Malcolm muttered, and Trip had to concur.

Especially when Pete re-emerged onto the screen holding a dormant PADD. "Right, this is the one. I think."

"You think?" Trip repeated.

Pete nodded.

"How hard can it be?" Trip asked him. "Switch it on and see if it's got the manual we need."

Pete pulled a face. "See, that's the thing... none of them are switching on."

Trip paused and frowned. "What do you mean, none of them are switching on? Why aren't they switching on? What did you do to them?"

"Nothing the floor didn't do to them!" Pete protested. "Look, if you really need that manual straight away, I should be able to rig the PADDs to beam you the information stored on them directly without having to take the time to fix them."

Trip nodded. "Sounds reasonable enough."

Beside him, Malcolm nodded, albeit warily.

"Now, just wait a sec while I... push this in here...bring up that... and, oh shit."

It sounded so much like Malcolm, Trip nearly grinned. Instead: "What?"

The chagrined look on Pete's face nearly explained everything. "I think I just sent everything in one burst."

"Can the subspace link tolerate that much data in one hit?" Malcolm asked shortly, and Trip recognised the tone of voice for what it was - this was the tactical officer and chief of security speaking now.

"Possibly..."Pete hesitated. "Then again, possibly not. It could send it through just fine, or jam up the system for a while, or maybe wreck it altogether." He ran a hand through his hair. "Dammit."

"Well, the link seems to be more-or-less intact," Malcolm observed dryly, "so we can assume the latter most option hasn't happened." He glanced over at Trip. "Much as it pains me to say it, I suggest we take this matter to the Captain and Hoshi."

Trip sighed. "He's never gonna let us near any new technology again, first F-Deck and now this."

"Sorry," said Pete sheepishly. "Hope you two don't get into too much trouble."

"Us too," Trip replied. He glanced at a counter at the side of the screen. "An' if we keep talkin' any longer, the cap'n's gonna have our butts anyway."

"I'll keep working this end, see if I can figure out what happened, and let you know," Pete offered quickly.

Trip nodded. "Okay. Signin' off now."

"Aye," Pete replied, and a second later the screen blanked before the rotating Starfleet logo came up again.

"Time to go find the Captain and Hoshi," said Malcolm resignedly staring ruefully at the still vibrating device in his hand.

"Where d'ya think they'll be?"

Malcolm shrugged. "The bridge, most likely."

Trip nodded, but before he made it halfway to the door of the armoury, the vibrating noise... stopped.

He turned back around to look at Malcolm. "What did ya do to it?"

"I don't know!" Malcolm protested. "I don't think I did anything this time."

"Huh." Trip went over to Malcolm and took the device from him, turning it over in his hands again. "Weird..." Almost experimentally he pushed the single button again. Nothing happened... except for the small wisp of smoke rising out of the centre of the button.

Malcolm raised an eyebrow. "Now what did you do?"

Trip stared at the wisp of smoke frowning. "I didn't do anything! I think it's burned out, or is burning out."

"You mean you broke it?" Malcolm asked horrified. "What're we going to tell Captain Archer? He'll be wanting to know how we got on with it."

"Hey, I wasn't the one who smacked it against a table," Trip snapped back irritably. "If anything's wrong with it it probably stems from you beating it against a hard surface!"

"You're the one who's been practically bloody caressing it!" Malcolm shot back. He calmed down quickly. "We wait for Commander Dowling's message to reach Enterprise," he continued evenly enough. "After all, we still have no idea exactly what it is, or is supposed to do..."

"Yeah..." Trip stared at the device. "I jus' hope Pete isn't gonna kill me for breakin' his... whatever this is."

"He can't kill you," Malcolm reassured him, "its part of my job to stop people from committing acts of murder - and in this case justifiable murder against members of this crew."

Trip stared at him. "Gee, thanks, Malcolm."

"You're welcome," Malcolm replied, sounding scarily cheerful.

o o o o o

Approximately seventeen and a half hours later, Commander Dowling's messages finally reached Enterprise.

Much to the immense astonishment of Ensign Rose who found a torrent of information downloading onto one of the armoury consoles.

And much to the annoyance of Ensign Maritas who was landed with the job of delivering a fully-working PADD containing all the information to her boss during the senior staff morning briefing.

Needless to say, Malcolm took one look at the PADD Maritas gave him before discreetly shoving it into Trip's hands.

He scanned the contents, and his eyes widened before glancing back at Malcolm, who nodded slightly.

"Something the matter, gentlemen?" Archer asked, fixing his gaze on both of them in turn.

"Uh... no, Cap'n, not at all," Trip replied brightly, shoving the PADD into a pocket before the Captain could even think about making a grab for it.

"Nothing at all, Captain," Malcolm agreed when Archer's gaze landed squarely on him, ignoring the looks of confusion on Hoshi and Travis' faces.

He glanced back at Trip one more time before looking Archer face on again. "Sir, as I was saying, about the torpedo repairs..."

As Archer's eyes duly began to glaze over, Malcolm made a mental note to bollock Trip later - and off-duty - for making such a big fuss about a motion sensor for shuttlepod repairs.


End file.
